2025 Predictions, Rockies Edition
Well, well, well. Here it comes again. That dastardly rascal. That ol so and so. Baseball season. It’s late January so now we’re starting to see the headlines from team conventions and press conferences (the Rockies still deny my suggestion to call it ROCKOCON), the clubs are starting to dust off the social media sites to do more than birthday wishes, and many of us are starting to ask “what will the 2025 baseball season entail?”
I can’t tell you that. I’m not really in the business of telling futures. I thought September 5 was going to have real Oscar juice and it turned out to be kind of ass. So my expertise is lacking in many areas, is what I’m saying.
But what I can do is predict some things, some things that are very much Rockies focused, some things the powers that be may not let you say at ROCKOCON. They may try to silence me or you but they can never silence the predictions.
Prediction #1 - Kris Bryant found alive along Amazon River, will play at least 30 games
NEWS FROM THE MYSTERIOUS LAND - Yes, it appears that after years of searching for their missing man, the Colorado Rockies have found Kris Bryant. Though many in the fanbase thought he had “buzzed off” to live a lavish life in some remote mountain range or jungle abode, the former MVP and current albatross contract has been located alive and ready to play baseball once again. Last week, at ROCKOCON (tm pending), the Rockies were excited and optimistic about Bryant’s chances at re-entering polite society with a strong bat and healthy days. General Manager Bill Schmidt and company took to the press microphones and shared their hope that Bryant will be a key contributor in 2025.
After three years in Denver, Bryant has played in just 159 games and we have heard more about the stress one can have on their invertebrate than the stress Kris Bryant has put on opposing pitchers (nailed it). For this upcoming season, it’s probably safest to be pessimistic about Bryant’s contribution. Let’s start small, Bryant will not disappear during a thrilling adventure to the Alps and will start at least 30 games for the Rockies in 2025. How well will he play in these games? I’m not in the business of that. I refuse to acknowledge your question.
Prediction #2 - German Marquez pitches game so good he breaks Instagram Stories for everyone
For those of us engaged in the practice of following players on social media, the volume of German Marquez instagram stories is one of the most incredible viewings one can have. After Marquez celebrates a birthday, his story is so many little tabs it’s like a tiny mouse is sending you a message via telegram. I shutter to think what would happen if German pitched a no-hitter where over 300 people tagged him in a congratulations message or if he threw a Game Score over 90. The sheer volume of posts from such a performance would surely overwhelm Meta servers and render the website functions completely useless.
I don’t have much faith that Marquez, now aging and coming off of a tough injury, can retain the beauty and mystique that he had back in the halcyon days of 2018, but I am going to predict he has one wily veteran game. One truly magnificent performance where he strikes out 12 Chicago Cubs players and pitches a complete game shutout. And after this wonderful afternoon on the mound, we will all open our Instagram app to see an AI Mark Zuckerberg avatar saying to us, with the deadest eyes any thing could ever have, “Unfortunately the app is broken right now, but check back in later and make sure to check out Meta’s suite of products in the Metaverse”.
Prediction #3 - AI Press Release for Chase Dollander call up calls him Chaise Dolewhip
AI is a scourge on the once great community of boring press releases. Filled with misinformation, grandiose word choice, and outright falsehoods, ChatGPT’s broad utilization has been nothing short of “bad” and I hope we will see fewer and fewer people using it as it goes along. If you need it to write an email for you, I’m sorry but you should work a job where Email isn’t real.
Chase Dollander is widely regarded as the Rockies top prospect. A hard throwing righty drafted 9th overall in 2023, it’s pretty likely that the Rockies will give him some major league innings this year barring injury. He’s absolutely smoked competition at most of the low minors and will get a look with the big club in Spring Training this year. Safe to say Dollander is the most hyped Rockies pitching prospect since Jon Gray in 2015. It only makes sense that his callup will be where the Rockies and AI collide.
Upon release, the Rockies will call Dollander by the name Chaise Dolewhip and will claim he was born in 1876 in Newport News, Virginia. Confusion will occur, it will remain up for 47 minutes before someone retracts it and apologizes. It will be revealed that the Rockies were trying out a new in-house AI service and this service will then go offline. Four years later, Nick Groke will release an independent report that this AI tool cost 19 million dollars.
Prediction #4 - Rockies call up player nobody has ever heard of, he never plays in a game, gets sent down after 10 days, revealed later that it was a Bud Black HOV lane scam
I like to think of myself as pretty knowledgeable about baseball and Rockies prospects. I can often be spotted casually perusing MILB box scores on some mornings in the summer. But the last couple of years the Rockies have snuck some guys by me. They’ve called up some players that I had never heard of. Guys that were buried in a AAA box score that I skipped over to go “wow the Topes are not good”. Whenever they do that, my first instinct is usually one of distrust. Is this a scam?
Well, this year I predict that one will be a scam. Bud Black has to get to places. His house, the Rockies offices, Coors Field. One day I assume he’ll realize that like many of us he hates traffic. So, he’ll concoct a plan. A fake player will be called up. We won’t have heard of him but after the last two years that will no longer surprise us. This player won’t play, he’ll be sent back down after a week or so. Also not surprising, the Rockies once did that to Nolan Jones in 2023. But when people start to ask questions about why Bud Black was able to get to the ballpark so much earlier, it will be revealed this was all a scam. Black wanted the minutes saved in the HOV lane. He was even able to stop at 7-11 before the game and get a slurpee.
Years later, it’s revealed by Nick Groke this stunt cost 11 million dollars.
Prediction #5 - Rockies secure broadcasting rights but it’s for a Portuguese language channel only available for Brazilian diaspora
The Rockies television deal madness has continued into another year with no likely permanent resolution in hand. We will probably have another year of a random TV channel carrying games in market while anybody can buy Rockies.TV. But perhaps, as the dispute lingers on into the summer, we will see a solution emerge. The Rockies will find a home.
Unfortunately this home will be on a Portuguese language channel for immigrants from Brazil that are looking for connection to their home community. Drew Goodman will be kept on, though he will mispronounce every word. Jeff Huson will be on screen the whole game and not allowed to speak.
Ryan Feltner will become a Brazilian fan favorite. They’ll call him Feltinho. In 10 years someone will come back from Rio de Janeiro and say “they had a big mural of Ryan Feltner like he was the virgin Mary” and we’ll say “that makes sense”.
What an exciting year this will be for all of us Rockies fans. I know I can’t wait. The 1-run losses, the 10-run losses. Maybe even a few 12 or 13 run losses.
It’s a product I know I am proud to support.